Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Reality Can Be A Heartless Bitch

If you've been following my story at all you know that I have been trying to get back in shape for the last three months. The spa that we go to is really wonderful and there is a good mix of branches, twig and stumps who also go. The twigs seem to gravitate to Abbey's yoga class, the stumps usually play basketball with their kids or soak in the sauna and the branches kinda fill in everywhere else. Whenever I see a large dude I kinda think to myself "Hang in there maaan, I know how you feel." It's kind of a secret high five I give to my big boned brutha's.

But after three months and hours and hours sweating it out I "thought" that I had reached the top of the mountain and was cruising on my way down. As it turns out, that fairytale started to unravel yesterday and came crashing through my roof tonight.

When I started three months ago I took a computerized body analysis test to see how bad I really was. My upper body strength was awesome, it was off the charts actually. Everything else sucked. "See this red bar? That's where you are at. To get waaaaaaaaaay over here to the 'fat bastard' zone we would have to saw you in half and you'd still be huge. Huge we can work with, but you my friend, you should hitch a ride on the space shuttle and become another moon to Saturn..." The news was actually sobering but not surprising. At the very least I knew where I had to start.

So I've been doing the Yoga and Tai Chi and bouncing like the Kool Aid Man on the Elliptical cycle and over the last three months was really starting to feel really good about myself. So I decided to take the test again yesterday and here's the news. Upper body strength even more awesome, up 28 lbs. Thanks to Abbey's yoga class I improved my flexibility an addition 1.7 inches (I have a super huge disadvantage as I have to stretch over my pork belly...) My o2 saturation still sucks and I have lost 5 lbs I think. My tester could see that I was frustrated as I had hoped to be further along than that. She asked me HOW I was exercising so I mapped it out.

It turns out that the cardio I was doing was mostly all for not. I should have been doing major weight lifting and trying to build muscle again. Since I mostly work out alone we decided to do 6 days of classes and focus on weight training. I agreed and attended my first "no limits circuit training" class tonight. What a croc, they should have named it "bringing you to the brink of death in the first 15 minutes" class. I am completely honest when I tell you that going into that class I felt I was in "decent" physical condition. I play some racquetball, a little basketball now and then, I can do the Elliptical Machine like no one's business etc etc. I was completely DONE by the time "warm ups" had finished. I was sweating like Bill Clinton at a Monica Lewinsky press conference "I did NOT have...."

So as I'm doing jump rope, AND stair steps AND medicine ball crap I look in the mirror and see this blob of a person in slow motion. My man tits are practically hitting me in the face, my gut is bouncing so hard I'm wondering if it is going to break off and just fall through the floor and even though I "feel" like I am doing high kicks like the Rocketts, my feet are hardly leaving the floor! I was panting like a dog in labor, my tongue flopping on the floor and my face is so red I had a headache. My instructor was awesome "You did great man! Keep coming back!" I wanted to punch him in the face, not only for the torture he put me through but for the fact that he was realities messenger and I did not like what I was reading. I am at an all time low tonight.

So I'm re-thinking WHY exactly am I doing this? Yeah yeah yeah, there's the living longer, and healthier and all of that junk. But I could live with all of that the way I was and be perfectly happy. I finally decided that the only reason I am doing this is so that I can look fabulous in a banana hammock some day. I've always wanted to get one, like this dude on the left but I've never felt comfortable in my own skin to actually strut around in one of these. It's my goal, MY DREAM to wear one of these on the beaches of France as my way of sticking it to the French. The idea of a Frenchman angry with me brings joy to my soul. So I have decided to push on, endure the pain and try try try to become a better me. I love you banana hammock. Just fifteen more years of this who-ha and you're MINE! GREAT SUCCESS!


Ali said...

UGHHHH!! I totally know what you mean about the man boobs hitting you in the face, and thinking you are kicking so high only to see yourself and the reality of your pathetic 6 inch kicks. It's the same with me when it comes to squats. I think that I'm going so low, but then I see myself in the mirror and I'm embarrassed that I'm even sweating from the pathetic NON work that I'm doing.

And your goals to look good in a Speedo is my goal to. However, my baby ruined my stomach forever. I will never get rid of these stretch marks, and hence i will never look good in a bikini no mater how hard I work. BOOOOOO

GS Wilson said...

Keep it up with the circuit training! We've been doing a lot of these circuit workouts lately at the station and they kick our butts! They are great workouts - and without them I don't have a shot at getting in the firefighter calander! "Mr. February"

Lisa said...

First, I have to say that the picture of Borat in his banana hammock gives me the heebie jeebies every time I see it....GROSS! I give you kudos for trying everything at the gym! Trying a new class is intimidating, but you just walk in and do it! I have to admit that I wait for you to come home and report back to me on how it is before I go. The part about your kicks made me laugh out loud, but you have TOTALLY gotten more flexible since doing Abbey's class. Keep it up, I think you are doing awesome!

Abigail said...

I seriously love you guys! I am laughing my guts out at that picture...yikes!!!!