Wednesday, February 11, 2009

I'm not scared you're a lawyer, I'm scared that you're probably an idiot!

I got into an email brawl with one of our clients last week. It's a long story but the gist is that after 9 months of working with this kid, he wants a full refund for the services that we rendered. I took a look at his file, saw that we had completely fulfilled our contractual obligation to him and shot him an email telling him as much. Like a toddler throwing a temper tantrum I received a return email with the following "warning." "I have already talked to my attorney to review my options and I plan to contact Mark Shurtlef (Mark is the Attorney General for the State of Utah) and file a complaint against you and your company. Do not force me to take legal actions against you or you will be very sorry!" When I read that I laughed so hard that it caused a coughing fit and I had to leave my office to compose myself. I LOVE people who threaten legal action, and try to wield it like it's some kind of sword. It reminds me of this scene from Indiana Jones.

While I am not a lawyer, I know enough about the law and legal procedures to be dangerous. If I had to describe how the law works in one sentence or less it would go like this. Document everything, give out nothing and if you can explain your case to a five year old you can probably explain it to a judge. DONE! I've been in court a number of times, both as a defendant, a plaintiff and once as a divorce attorney (seriously I did! for a friend of mine who was representing himself pro se) I'm happy to report that I have emerged victorious each and every time because of my one sentence rule of law that I follow religiously. (FYI, she got the jet skis and he got the kids... not a bad deal for us!) I'm pretty good at legal stuff, but I would never want to do it as a career. But on a part time basis when dolts like this guy want to force the action? You bet! Ding, ding, school is now in session!

So I called his bluff, and told him that with his crap-ola attitude there wasn't a chance in hell I would give him a refund and that I would LOVE to meet with his attorney AND Mark Shurtlef but only if they pay for my lunch. I'm sure that my curt reply has enraged him but I haven't heard from him since. To be honest with you, I'm a little disappointed because I am absolutely confident that I could sign both attorneys up as future clients!

One of these days I'll have to regale you with some of my lawyer stories. Let it suffice that most of the attorneys that I have met are complete idiots (paralegals however, are a pretty sharp group!) Yes, I agree with you, most lawyers aren't worth the dynamite to blow them back to hell. They tend to dress in black, try to intimidate by wielding large swords and for the fearless, can usually be taken out with one shot.

41 comments:

Ali said...

After watching the court TV channel for a while, I realized that lawyers are just a bunch of whiners.

"You didn't give me that documnet before"
"Yes I did!"
"Nuh- uhh!!"
" DID SO!!"

I'm not kidding, I heard this EXACT conversation on the court channel during the OJ Simpson robbery trial. How about a little decorum?

My mom totally agrees with you, and she has always represented herself in court. Due to her impeccable documentation, she wins 100% of the time. (Which is a lot to say for someone who is in court several times a year suing deadbeat tenants)

I want to see what he does!!I bet he's just a whiner upset that the economic downturn has ripped his balls from his body and he's taking it out on you.

Be strong!! You will triumph!

Faye said...

That is awesome!!! Sometimes I wish I could tell people how I really feel, even when they try to threaten an attorney. Don't know how my company would appreciate it.

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