Thursday, January 22, 2009

Can I Say Something Here?

I realized tonight that I haven't talked to my wife in 13 years. Four boys and a Greyhound will do that to you. I thought I was in the clear tonight as all of the boys had eaten and left the kitchen, leaving just Lisa and I to talk about the days events. The topic for sure would bore you,what follows will surely make you laugh!

7:10 pm Two minutes into my story, Logan (the 2 year old) walks into the kitchen and starts to play in Milo's dog dish. Several warning's are issued and finally Lisa get ups and removes him from the kitchen. Half of Milo's dog water is splashed across the floor. Time Delay -5 Minutes

7:17 pm I retrace the last 90 seconds of my story when we hear a SMACK followed by immediate wailing from the other room. I stop as the crying increases in proximity and volume. Jack stumbles into the kitchen, tears streaming down his face and babbling incoherently. We finally translate through the tears and snot pouring into his mouth that "Eli hit me in the cheek with the Wii" Eli, upon hearing this accusation screams his innocence from the other room. Both suspects are interrogated, warned and then released back into general population. Time Delay -9 minutes

7:26 pm. Where we were in the story? Ohh yes, I continue. A sentence into my story, Milo comes into the kitchen looks at his half empty water bowl, licks his chops and quietly sits next to Lisa. It's obvious from his groans that he wants to be pet, or brushed or let out. Maybe he wanted an explanation on who the hell got into his water bowl again. He whimpers, barks, snaps and whines. Instead of fixing the obvious problem we subconsciously get up and let him in the back yard. Time Delay -3 minutes

7:29 pm. I've lost complete track of my story now and trying to remember what I said. As I get my bearing Lisa's phone blares the "Iowa Hawkeye Fight Song" ring tone which I can't seem to talk over. To her credit, Lisa didn't reach for the phone. However, the persistent bugger on the other ends figures that calling two or three more times in a row will surely get an answer. Time Delay -6 minutes.

7:35 pm. As I start to re-tell my story for the fourth or fifth time, Milo scratches at the back door and barks to signify that he is ready to come back in. I try to get through my story anyway. As Milo comes in the back door and then OUT of the kitchen Logan comes in and drops a Tonka Truck on the hard wood floor KABLAM! It sounds like a bowling alley as he runs that truck back and forth, crashing it each time into the walls or doors or Milo's water dish spilling yet MORE water on the floor.

As this goes on, Jack returns with a welt on his cheek and points to the other room and complains that Eli has logged him off of the Wii. Eli denies this from the other room, complaining that "Jack is ALWAYS LYING!" I find the welt on Jack's cheek strong evidence that perhaps it is ELI who is lying! This opens up a court case, the defendant in the other room continues playing on the Wii.

In the middle of this argument, Milo returns to his spilled water on the floor, licks it up and then starts to lick Logan's face who his crashing his truck into the stove now (metal makes a louder CRASH than walls or dog dishes) this dog licking interfears with his aim which makes him mad. Logan gets up and swings unsuccessfully at Milo's nose, which makes Milo bark. Logan is angry with the barking so he starts to chase Milo around the table screaming "No MIYO!" as Milo runs ahead of him barking. Through all of this I come to the conclusion that Eli is feeding me a real cock and bull story.

Lisa's phone rings, Eli is still screaming his innocence over the Wii incident and with the chasing dog it's seriously sounding like I have been throw inside a tornado. I can't take it anymore. I quietly get up in the middle of all this chaos, clear my plate from the table and hibernate downstairs trying to figure out why Lisa knows nothing about what I do anymore. Sarcastically I think "Maybe I should just call her?!?" I look at my watch, it's 7:55pm Total Time Delay -43 Minutes and I can't remember what I was trying to tell Lisa in the first place. Ohhh well, I do have some good news however!

1. Eli was found GUILTY of aggravated assault, racketeering, perjury, lying to an officer and obstructing a criminal investigation. He did NOT invoke his right to remain silent which really worked against him. He was sent to Spirit Prison for the rest of the night.

2. Jack's facial welt looks better. No trip to the Emergency Room just yet but we are on standby should other Wii flesh wounds appear.

3. Logan and Milo are friends again. Logan caught Milo by the tail, Milo in turn, used his super dog defenses and lapped at Logan's face with a big slobbery, wet tongue and Logan let go, running into the other room with Milo fast on his heels. At last check Milo was laying in Logan's bed.

4. Whoever called four times in a row is probably talking to Lisa right now. (insert sarcastic cheering here) Yayyyyy for persistence...

5. I get something out of this too. I have now documented life in the Nielsen kitchen which will be in the archives of the web forever and ever. I intend to show St. Peter this blog if I am on the verge of being rejected at the pearly gates! Everyone wins and at some point in my 70's I'll remember what I was going to tell Lisa tonight and will share it with her over the 4pm Senior Citizen's Early Bird Dinner at Denny's. She will probably have some awesome ideas on how I could have done whatever I tried to tell her about better. It would not surprise me in the least, if in the middle of her sharing her phone rings...



HAAAAA!! Seriously Joel, this is my favorite post yet!

This is our house almost exactly. Same gender, different names, cat instead of dog and you've got the makings for a typical evening at the Cains'.

Someday our lives will calm down and we'll wish there was still chaos...right? Ugh.

Oh, and it wasn't me calling Lis! But...It should have been, I haven't talked to her in WAY TOO LONG!

Ali said...

That was great. I know now what I have to look forward to.

Luckily no one ever calls me.

Lisa said...

I have read this post three times now because it is EXACTLY how it went down, and it makes me laugh every time I read it! This is my very, VERY favorite post yet. I think you need to send it to the Grandparents.

Reggs said...

HOW TRUE THIS IS!! Especially getting interrupted by everyone including the dog. KUDOS to Lisa for not answering her phone.
A good way to be able to chat is to lock all the kids out of the house (Wii included) until you're done. The neighbors will love it!

Em said...

Oh I know how that is! Skip and I know that if we really want to talk we have to wait till the kids are in bed...and then Lily still somehow knows just when to start crying!

Abigail said...

Thanks for coming the other night! I love you guys! You're the best!

Ashley Wilson said...

Haha this just made my day. Love it.