Friday, July 11, 2008

Kids LOVE Urinal Cakes

This post will save you THOUSANDS of dollars if you have kids or more importantly thinking about having kids. As a father of four active boys I can tell you first hand that buying toys for them is a complete waste of money. If you really want to make a young heart go pitter patter, install a urinal in the hallway and let the joy freely flow!

Some of the most heated arguments that I have with my wife are over the purchase of toys. My criteria for buying toys is two fold; how much does it cost and what kind of emergency care will be required when I step on it in the middle of the night? As you can imagine, I have an uncontrollable HATE for Lego's, Matchbox Cars and any kind of Star Wars action figure with a light sabre attached to it. You should "feel the force" when any one of these babies pierces the arch of your foot at 2am. For me, a string of profanity follows one of these experiences and I often receive puzzled glares from next door neighbors during the next sacrament meeting.

So my wife and I argue about toys and how me not buying the newest "Action Hero's Figurines" will somehow warp our boys and turn them into social deviants. "I bet Jeffry Dahmer never had toys and look how HE turned out" is a common argument (When Lisa read this she was pissed because she claims she has never made this comment. But it's how I remember it and since it's MY Blog, it's MY reality. She has promised to comment below...) We have THOUSANDS and THOUSANDS of toys in bins scattered throughout our home that are rarely if ever used. It's my insurance policy should any of my kids turn into homosexual mass murdering cannibals. "You honor, it's impossible that my son did this, according to my wife we have every 'Little People' play set ever created."

My point is that we could have saved millions of dollars if we had simply purchased a flushing urinal. My kids LOVE the bathroom, it's their favorite place to play. They sit on the counter and run the water in the sink for hours on end, taking bottles and bottles of prescription medication and dumping them down the drain "Daaaad, they aren't pills, they are SUBMARINES!" My son Jack has the amazing ability to let all of the compressed air out of shaving cream bottles and cans of mousse without disturbing the contents inside. Logan is less skilled and enjoys emptying the air AND the contents into drawers for us to find later. Noah used to spends weeks just opening and closing the shower door and to this day I have images of Elijah laying in a big pile of dirty laundry and rolling around in them making dirty laundry snow angles 'weeeeeeeee' even the dog was confused.

So as a public service to you I have created a short list of Bathroom Bewares.
1. An entire $45 bottle of Paul Mitchel's "crisp and kinky, naturally curly" shampoo squeezed into a flushing toilet creates an awesome bubbly volcano
2. Another bottle of conditioner poured on a tile floor makes an incredible slip and slide and best of all your skin will be silky smooth at the end.
3. Mom's shower gel at $400 per bottle looks like alien slime if you want to play "Men in Black." Best of all it washes off without a trace.
4. Water poured out of a bathtub "disappears" and doesn't really pool down the heating ducts and across the ceiling below.
5. Moms black mascara is a challenge to wash out of a toddlers white blond hair and makes him look like Alice Cooper for several weeks.
6. A handful of moouse looks like a snowball and should always be thrown.
7. If you take wet toilet paper and throw it up to the ceiling it sticks, and will only come off with a jack hammer.
8. Lipstick in the carpet is forever. That's why it's important to make a "smiley"
9. Even if you try for hours, the toilet cannot flush the only $75 TIVO remote in the entire house.
10. If you open the shower door while taking a shower and aim the head out the door it looks like it is raining in the bathroom.
11. Toothpaste on the mirror is more fun than an etch a sketch and tastier too.
12. My electric tooth brush in the toilet is a motor boat (I found this out AFTER using of course)
13. It's fun to pretend the the plunger is a microphone. It's also fun to lick.
14. All stuffed animals should be baptized, preferably with a flush.
15. Urinal cakes don't taste ANYTHING like a cake.
16. A bowl of Cheerios and milk poured into the bathtub tastes different than before.
17. Scissors in a bathroom should always be used to cut someone else's hair, particularly before family photos.
18. When you fart in the bathtub it makes bubbles. Lots of "farting" doesn't make bubbles at all.
19. Dads Ipod (or any other electrical device) works crappy when you take it into the shower with you and turn it on
20. The best chefs have extensive experience making "pooh soup"

Older couples assure us "these moments will pass and when they get older you will miss times like these." I have learned that this is a total load o' crap. I have yet to find ANY of them take me up on my offer to house one of my boys for a week to "bring back those memories."

However, you can take it from a wily veteran that toys are over rated, Disneyland is a sham and more than anything kids would be much more happy playing with your toothbrush in the toilet than riding the Pirates of the Caribbean.


Chelsea said...

LOL i'm going to go lock up my bathrooms right now.

Ali said...

So I have been guilty of several of this "bath blunders" as a child. One that I would personally add is: "No matter what the commercial may say, a 7 year old doesn't need Oil of Olay all over to make her look younger. But she will try to tell you she does."

Also, I don't know when I'm going to buy my kids toys. I figure I got a kitchen full of pots, a dog and a car seat to play with. What do they need baby Einstein for? Also, I'm so poor, so I can't justify putting something on a credit card that I can't pay for. That's not true. And as Suze Orman says, If it's not Necessary, real and true, you shouldn't buy it. I think those are the three. I know necessary and true are in there. I'm not sure if "real" is correct. I might have made that up.

Anyway, I loved this list, and I know that these are all true. Most of them (and others) have happened in my house, and like I said,I did several of them myself.

Danika said...

LOLOLOLOL!!!!!! You have to admit your kids have quite the imagination!

Long ago Brent and I resolved to not buy Liesel any toys. Everyone told us kids ahve a way of being more interested in the box a toy came in than the actual toy. She's only 3 months old and look at that pile of toys we have for her from friends and family. Oh well, it was nice in theory.

Lisa said...

Dear Joel, errr....I mean Pinocchio...OK, so in your gardening post, I told you it was full of manure. This one, is just full of plain ol' SH*T! However, it's a good thing your are married, and have somebody you can use in your posts to sound like an idiot. The fact that these words NOR anything CLOSE to them EVER came out of my mouth.......AND the fact that I buy my children toys TWO times a year, yes TWICE Christmas and Birthdays. The other interesting fact is that you personally purchased approximately 357 matchbox cars for Noah. Every time you were somewhere that had them, he got a FEW. Or a five pack. I will profess that most of your bathroom highlights have indeed happened at our house however. At least you told the truth SOMEWHERE in the post! What was that you told me....."Whatever it takes to make it entertaining....truth, lies or otherwise???"

Shar said...

Hee Hee your funny:) Oh the good old days of Joel and Lisa duking it out, I remember it well:) You know I love ya Joelsie, but I have to side with Lis on this one. And I was wondering if all the bathroom escapades were true, but you just can't make this stuff up! Love you guys, never a dull moment!

Katrina said...

Here here! Boys are gross, and they find THE most disgusting things to play with DESPITE age appropriate toys in every nook and cranny!

Matthew still has poo under his nails from having to dismantle the toilet and retrieve a kid-sized toothbrush that would only flush far enough to get stuck and clog the toilet for any other person needing to go #2. Like my Mother-in-law.

Who licked the urinal cake? Man, I know that one is going to show up on the family quiz. EWWWW! Here is my hat, and I take it off to you brother mostly because you have kept them alive and not sold them to the gypsies.

Shar said...

Hey Joelsie! What a blast to have you guys with us tonight!! You guys are SO family! Of course!

Abigail said...

Thanks for coming today, that meant alot to have you there to support me. I appreciate everything you and Lisa have been to me as friends in my life.


HA! You're so funny Joel. But since I know Lisa I know that she is telling the truth about toys two times a year unless they pay with their own money they earn from gathering all the sippy cups and bottles from around the house. :) Plus, I gotta side with her on the "little People" sets. I mean SERIOUSLY how could you not have every one, they are SO STINKIN' CUTE! Guess what?! I've finally added you to my blog list. HOORAY! Now, just be nice and don't get a tattoo anytime soon and I can keep you there. :) Hehee, just kidding. Sorry it took me so long. I'm blaming summer. Loved having you guys with us on Friday! It was a BLAST!

John said...

Don't even try to pretend #3 wasn't your idea, Joel.

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