Kids LOVE Urinal Cakes

This post will save you THOUSANDS of dollars if you have kids or more importantly thinking about having kids. As a father of four active boys I can tell you first hand that buying toys for them is a complete waste of money. If you really want to make a young heart go pitter patter, install a urinal in the hallway and let the joy freely flow!

Some of the most heated arguments that I have with my wife are over the purchase of toys. My criteria for buying toys is two fold; how much does it cost and what kind of emergency care will be required when I step on it in the middle of the night? As you can imagine, I have an uncontrollable HATE for Lego's, Matchbox Cars and any kind of Star Wars action figure with a light sabre attached to it. You should "feel the force" when any one of these babies pierces the arch of your foot at 2am. For me, a string of profanity follows one of these experiences and I often receive puzzled glares from next door neighbors during the next sacrament meeting.

So my wife and I argue about toys and how me not buying the newest "Action Hero's Figurines" will somehow warp our boys and turn them into social deviants. "I bet Jeffry Dahmer never had toys and look how HE turned out" is a common argument (When Lisa read this she was pissed because she claims she has never made this comment. But it's how I remember it and since it's MY Blog, it's MY reality. She has promised to comment below...) We have THOUSANDS and THOUSANDS of toys in bins scattered throughout our home that are rarely if ever used. It's my insurance policy should any of my kids turn into homosexual mass murdering cannibals. "You honor, it's impossible that my son did this, according to my wife we have every 'Little People' play set ever created."

My point is that we could have saved millions of dollars if we had simply purchased a flushing urinal. My kids LOVE the bathroom, it's their favorite place to play. They sit on the counter and run the water in the sink for hours on end, taking bottles and bottles of prescription medication and dumping them down the drain "Daaaad, they aren't pills, they are SUBMARINES!" My son Jack has the amazing ability to let all of the compressed air out of shaving cream bottles and cans of mousse without disturbing the contents inside. Logan is less skilled and enjoys emptying the air AND the contents into drawers for us to find later. Noah used to spends weeks just opening and closing the shower door and to this day I have images of Elijah laying in a big pile of dirty laundry and rolling around in them making dirty laundry snow angles 'weeeeeeeee' even the dog was confused.

So as a public service to you I have created a short list of Bathroom Bewares.

1. An entire $45 bottle of Paul Mitchel's "crisp and kinky, naturally curly" shampoo squeezed into a flushing toilet creates an awesome bubbly volcano

2. Another bottle of conditioner poured on a tile floor makes an incredible slip and slide and best of all your skin will be silky smooth at the end.

3. Mom's shower gel at $400 per bottle looks like alien slime if you want to play "Men in Black." Best of all it washes off without a trace.

4. Water poured out of a bathtub "disappears" and doesn't really pool down the heating ducts and across the ceiling below.

5. Moms black mascara is a challenge to wash out of a toddlers white blond hair and makes him look like Alice Cooper for several weeks.

6. A handful of moouse looks like a snowball and should always be thrown.

7. If you take wet toilet paper and throw it up to the ceiling it sticks, and will only come off with a jack hammer.

8. Lipstick in the carpet is forever. That's why it's important to make a "smiley"

9. Even if you try for hours, the toilet cannot flush the only $75 TIVO remote in the entire house.

10. If you open the shower door while taking a shower and aim the head out the door it looks like it is raining in the bathroom.

11. Toothpaste on the mirror is more fun than an etch a sketch and tastier too.

12. My electric tooth brush in the toilet is a motor boat (I found this out AFTER using of course)

13. It's fun to pretend the the plunger is a microphone. It's also fun to lick.

14. All stuffed animals should be baptized, preferably with a flush.

15. Urinal cakes don't taste ANYTHING like a cake.

16. A bowl of Cheerios and milk poured into the bathtub tastes different than before.

17. Scissors in a bathroom should always be used to cut someone else's hair, particularly before family photos.

18. When you fart in the bathtub it makes bubbles. Lots of "farting" doesn't make bubbles at all.

19. Dads Ipod (or any other electrical device) works crappy when you take it into the shower with you and turn it on

20. The best chefs have extensive experience making "pooh soup"

Older couples assure us "these moments will pass and when they get older you will miss times like these." I have learned that this is a total load o' crap. I have yet to find ANY of them take me up on my offer to house one of my boys for a week to "bring back those memories."

However, you can take it from a wily veteran that toys are over rated, Disneyland is a sham and more than anything kids would be much more happy playing with your toothbrush in the toilet than riding the Pirates of the Caribbean.