Friday, May 16, 2008

Au Naturale

Spring has finally come to Salt Lake City which means I have been slowly rolling my shorts and tee shirts out of the closet. I hate clothes, really I do. It's such a terrible inconvenience to be burdened by layers and layers of clothes. Of course, with my lovely physique, I am sure there are plenty of people who are grateful for clothes, and lots of em. Eat cake I say.

Ever since our new back yard neighbors moved in last month, I have had to sneak around my house like a cat burglar for fear of being discovered nude. I never realized what an inconvenience it was to crawl around my own house ALL THE TIME because I am in the buff. Of course, the obvious solution is to just get dressed each day, or buy some blinds for the kitchen but I shouldn't have to if I don't want to right? Damn straight people, this is America and we do whatever the hell we want! Actually, I wouldn't give a hoot if they caught me nude because WE were here first and if anyone should have to buy blinds it should be them, right? If the sight of my erotic physique makes them queasy then THEY should be the ones motivated to board up all of their windows or move back to California. Yes, I'm sure that under any other circumstance they are LOVELY people but this is really affecting me in a negative way.

The quandary for me is that we belong to the same Ward. The thought unsettles me ever so slightly of being in the same chapel with them where an opening prayer is offered, a hymn is sung and I am left wondering if they have seen me in my party pajamas. I think that disturbs the spiritual environment, no? Further, I have this awkward feeling that the topic will be broached in my next Bishop's interview. "So Brother Nielsen, how do you like your new neighbors? They mentioned you a lot... I mean A LOT when they were in here last week... Even their kids talked about you and your family. Mostly YOU, but you know, your family too." It will be at that point in time where he will try and find a kind and appropriate way to bring up my nakedness and will ultimately end with my exclamation "...and if THEY don't like it THEY can take it up with the manufacturer!"
As illogical as it sounds, I continue to look out the kitchen windows every morning, noon and night to see if their light is on and if it's safe to make a dash for the fridge. At some point the law of average will catch up to me and I will get caught. I've decided that is a chance that THEY are going to have to take. In the mean time, I'll keep you posted when their new blinds go up or I get a call from the Executive Assistant asking me if I can meet with the Bishop after Church next Sunday. Till then, I'm going to embrace this new Spring weather, sneak around my kitchen like a thief in the night and most of all, let the rough side hang.


Ali said...

You would think Marcelo and I are from Europe considering how much we walk around nude or semi-nude. If you need to come over to my house, you should be sure to call first, becuase there is a really good chance you will find me without pants/shirt/bra/ underwear on any day at any hour.

When I lived down in Provo, my neighbors thought this was so weird. I don't see what's so weird about it! We are in our own house, and it's not like we have kids who will stare at our "giney's" and point ask what they are.

As for you and your neighbors, I would agree that if they don't want to see your goodness, then they don't have to look. I'm excited to see if they put you on "naked probation".

Dickson Circus said...

Are you kidding?? I bet they pop up some popcorn and sit at the kitchen sliding glass door with binoculars. Bro, you're something to see.
I bet they place bets to see if you guys are going to all gather together, in the nude, in the kitchen and sing kum-bay-ya. DO IT! DO IT! and then do something REALLY weird, like sacrifice a chicken.

Lisa said...

BAHAHA! My husband cracks me up! 90% of the time, i've decided that I just don't care. If they really want to look at me parading around in my garms....whatever. WHY did it NOT bother us if the Hilty's saw us semi-nude, but the new neighbors it does. I think we should make life sized nude stand ups of all of us and prop them up in the windows.

GS Wilson said...

You certainly have the right to be comfortable in your own castle! We had a similar problem with our back neighbors, especially since their house sits a little higher than ours and the view from their family room and back porch swing is right into my kitchen. They've gotten used to "seeing" us now though, and we usually even get a wave when we see each other. The view works both ways though, and one afternoon I glanced over the fence and noticed that the neighbors had played hookey from work to stay home for some lovin - I won't go into anymore details, but will just say that now I smile extra wide when I wave back to them from my kitchen.

Love your blog dude - check us out at

Katrina said...

Oh my heckin' gosh darn it! WHERE did you get that picture of James Rowell?!

If you want an excuse to live the nude lifestyle, come to Arizona, where no one blinks if you traipse around in nuthin' much. At least from May to September. Good luck with all that. Maybe it would look like a Celestial Jumpsuit if you switched to one-piecers. You know you wanna . . . *yoda voice* "It is your DEStiny . . .yeeeeees!"