Ever since our new back yard neighbors moved in last month, I have had to sneak around my house like a cat burglar for fear of being discovered nude. I never realized what an inconvenience it was to crawl around my own house ALL THE TIME because I am in the buff. Of course, the obvious solution is to just get dressed each day, or buy some blinds for the kitchen but I shouldn't have to if I don't want to right? Damn straight people, this is America and we do whatever the hell we want! Actually, I wouldn't give a hoot if they caught me nude because WE were here first and if anyone should have to buy blinds it should be them, right? If the sight of my erotic physique makes them queasy then THEY should be the ones motivated to board up all of their windows or move back to California. Yes, I'm sure that under any other circumstance they are LOVELY people but this is really affecting me in a negative way.
The quandary for me is that we belong to the same Ward. The thought unsettles me ever so slightly of being in the same chapel with them where an opening prayer is offered, a hymn is sung and I am left wondering if they have seen me in my party pajamas. I think that disturbs the spiritual environment, no? Further, I have this awkward feeling that the topic will be broached in my next Bishop's interview. "So Brother Nielsen, how do you like your new neighbors? They mentioned you a lot... I mean A LOT when they were in here last week... Even their kids talked about you and your family. Mostly YOU, but you know, your family too." It will be at that point in time where he will try and find a kind and appropriate way to bring up my nakedness and will ultimately end with my exclamation "...and if THEY don't like it THEY can take it up with the manufacturer!"
As illogical as it sounds, I continue to look out the kitchen windows every morning, noon and night to see if their light is on and if it's safe to make a dash for the fridge. At some point the law of average will catch up to me and I will get caught. I've decided that is a chance that THEY are going to have to take. In the mean time, I'll keep you posted when their new blinds go up or I get a call from the Executive Assistant asking me if I can meet with the Bishop after Church next Sunday. Till then, I'm going to embrace this new Spring weather, sneak around my kitchen like a thief in the night and most of all, let the rough side hang.