Thursday, May 1, 2008

Certified Pre-Owned, What a LOAD!

I just saw another commercial for a "Certified" pre-owned car program and it reminded me that I had to write about this load o'crap. Why do I need a certificate to know that a car was "pre-owned?" Take a look at the mileage dummy! If it has more than 22 miles on it, there is a good chance that someone else's ass was in YOUR drivers seat. You know what I would appreciate? I would appreciate a full body picture of the previous owner, that would make me feel much better about driving any pre-owned car.

If the mileage confuses you about it being "pre-owned" perhaps you should check the wear on the tires, or that giant coffee stain on the gear shifter. That massive ding on the door and scratched paint MAY have been a freak tornado that just happened to pick the car up and run it 25,000 miles down the road or *ta dah* someone else has been driving it for a few years!

The bottom line is that if someone is advertising a car as "pre-owned" there's a possibility that someone farted on your seat. If they were going to give away certificates, a "no-fart" certificate is one that I would want. "Well sir, this seat has a sniffing sensor that allows us to certify that no one has blue darted on it." Yes Mr. Weasel car salesman, I would like to have THAT certificate in an 8X10 frame. And then I would appreciate a computer print out of each and every time I violate the blue dart sensor. That printout would go in the other 8X10 frame.
So next time someone tells you about their "pre-certified" program you ask them to provide you with a certified Blue Dart Guarantee.


Ali said...

I think my car seats are permanently stained with the stench of my bowels. I will never be able to give someone a blue dart guarantee if they buy my car. I'll just have to say, "well, you might need to buy some new seats real soon. I'm sure there is some sort of fart acid damage on those things. You might fall right to the floor one day."

Also, there's no guarantee that just because it's certified "pre-owned" that doesn't mean that someone hasn't had sex on those seats. I want a "no giz" guarantee. I'd pay more money for that.

Shar said...

Hey Joelie!!! Welcome to the Blososphere! You are so funny, I will be quite entertained by your posts, I can count on that! Let's go to a movie! luv ya

Shar said...

um, wish I had seen my typo before I so quickly clicked post comment! duh! I hate that you can't edit comments after they have been posted. So anyway, welcome to the BLOGOSPHERE!

Dickson Circus said...

LOL!!! Oh my gosh, this made me laugh out loud. I second Alicia, I want a no gizz policy. What DOES certified pre-owned mean, anyway? Pre-owned is just a fancy way of saying, "someone got sick of this car and wanted to dump it on someone too cheap to buy it new". *points to self*

Anonymous said...

my kid got diarrhea in the car and totally soaked the seat all the way through. we re-sold the car and lied and said it was a coffee stain. Is that still certified?

Lisa said...

BAHAHAHA! oh my gosh, I have GOT to know who the anonymous comment is from! HAHAHAHA! I'm STILL laughing!

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