Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Drinking and Driving With The Stars

Some people would probably burn me at the stake for saying this, but I really don't like the tv show Dancing With The Stars. Are our lives so boring that we are fascinated with C-list celebrities who suck dancing the cha cha cha? Is tv so vanilla these days that we are raptured with a group of flame outs trying to make one more run at glory?

I particularly loathe the British experts who judge these horrible things..."I tot your moo-ment was bril-yunt and your swoon devyne. Luv-LAY dah-ling, ahb-sew-loot-luh luv-LAY." Remember a long time ago when we kinda got fed up with the British and like fought them? I think we called them the "Red Coats?" When did America decided it was a good time to bring them back and have them judge us on how to do it right? When people talk about the "dumbing down of America" I automatically think of shows like this.

Fortunately for you my brave readers, I have some tv show ideas myself. You want a good show? I have a great one, it's called Dancing With The Tards. My guests would be Bill Maher, Paris Hilton, Britney Spears (with super dumb dancing partner K-Fed), John Stewart, Stephen Colbert, Rosie O'Donell and Kato Caitlin. The audience would be allowed to throw Molotov cocktails at any and all performers. The first person eliminated would be the first one to catch fire. Everyone else advances to the next round.

My other great tv show would be Drinking and Driving With The Stars. In this show we get a bunch of C-listers to chug drinks that are invented by the audience. They are then handed keys to a car and drive around LA with a film crew behind them taping every delicious moment and near miss. Points are awarded on car damage as well as the speed in which they get pulled over. Points are given for both high AND low speed chases and BONUS points awarded for LA Police beatings.
The show could even be sponsored by Hyundai or Ford as a way of showing off how well their cars can wrap around a lamp post (voiceover) Ford Fusion. If you drive drunk, we have darn good airbags! My C-list stars on this show would be any and all of the Osmonds (I think Marie would make a FASCINATING drunk), TV Evangelist Benny Hinn, Nancy Reagan, Lindsay Lohan, Hannah Montana and my personal favorite Stevie Wonder. (I think that Stevie would be the hands on favorite to win the whole thing.)

Well, just a few ideas for you guys to ponder. I would be interested in hearing which guests you would enjoy having on my shows. I'm grateful that Spring is here and I will soon be mowing the lawn instead of watching crappy shows like Dancing With The Stars. Although I have to admit that I like the thought of Benny Hinn in a Hyundai racing around LA intoxicated. "Put your faith in GEEEEE-SUS! GEE-SUS is my co-pilot. GEE-SUS will SAVE ME! My heavens, when did these friggin cops get armed with taserszZZZzzzzZZzzzZZZZz? GEESUS!"
Who will witness say-hallelujah?


Alicia said...

Hallelujah!! I believe!! I believe I would watch ANY of those shows. You know why God invented TiVo? Because he knew that these types of shows would be so popular. I've never watched a single episode of Dancing with the star or a "singing" episode of American idol (I do watch the "casting" shows, because really, who can stop themselves?)

And when I do watch "So you think you can Dance" in the summer, I HAVE to watch it with TiVo. I don't give a Rat's ass what you think about the dancing. I can see them, I can make up my own opinion. Less talking, more awesome dancing, please!

Danika said...
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Danika said...

I completely agree with you Joey!!! Why do we have so many shows with British people being mean to us Americans? Whoever said the only good things to come out of Britain are Harry Potter and the Beatles was totally right. I mean, even Jo from Nanny 911 has her own brand of mean. She won't let those kids eat potato chips and sugar cereal for dinner and fall asleep in front of the tv at 2 am. How draconian is THAT?

I'd like to see all those voted off, thrown out, elminated or otherwise cut from reality shows on Dancing With the Tards. Then eliminate them all over again. This would then qualify them for Drinking with the Stars.

Katrina said...

I hate to point out that you are talking out your wazoo, but dear brother, you couldn't bust out a Cha Cha like Mario or Justin Taylor can if your life depended on it! What the "stars" do is incredibly difficult, but you would have to be an insider to know it - good foot placement, content, and a sense of rhythm.

Why do the Brits judge it? Um, because it's a British sport, where gentlemanly behavior is rewarded, good form gets points, and exactness is the standard. And they are just as hard on their own (Mel B, Kym Johnson etc) as the Americans. Can they be a bit harsh and bitchy - yes, but so it is with any judging (NBA, gymnastics etc.).

What I love, is to see Mormon's doing well, (Julianne and Derek Hough)chubby girls doing well (Marissa Winoker gettin' my votes - you GO GIRL!), and the absolutely wonderful lessons on handling criticism and pressure with grace by Kristi Yamaguchi. What a doll. She is truly a champion in my eyes. Long live Dancin' with the Stars!

Dickson Circus said...

OOO! I give my vote for dancing with the Tards! Where each star is paired with a real live retard and they have to dance the cha cha cha without looking frustrated or critical towards their retard. This would be a great way of weeding out the really compassionate stars from the ones that mid-way through the dance say, "DAMMIT, FRONZ! IT'S HEEL TOE, HEEL TOE, YOU DAMN RETARD."
I think you've got something here, Joel.

Lisa said...

Oh my gosh, I love, Love, LOVE "Dancing With The Stars," but this post made me CRY laughing! I am going to have to start calling it "Dancing With The Tards" now. THe whole Benny Hin thing, I seriously about peed my pants! I think the first contestant on "Drinking And Driving With The Stars" should be Paula Abdul, since she's pretty much drunk during every American Idol. And SIMON can be her judge! Hehehe. I love watching the Latin dances. I would also LOVE to have, say...Edyta's body. Maybe I like it so much because it reminds me of my ballerina years, back when I was skinny. "Glory Days....yeah they'll pass you by....Glory Days...."